


Hotter Than Chris Pratt

by mightypocketcow



Series: Smosh Writing Week 2019 [3]
Category: Smosh
Genre: F/F, Mutual Pining, Smosh Writing Week 2019, another frustrating day for matt raub, poor matt raub, smosh writing week day 4, sorry i didnt do day 3, wingman shayne, wingman wes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 09:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19971886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightypocketcow/pseuds/mightypocketcow
Summary: "Honestly, Courtney and Boze need to just stop making eyes at each other and go on a date already." -- EveryoneWes, Olivia and Shayne finally get frustrated with their friends' puppy love and odd pining, and become the best/worst wingmen on the planet.  Things don't quite go as planned.  Like, at all.Day 4 Submission for Smosh Writing Week 2019.





	Hotter Than Chris Pratt

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what the hell this is but enjoy!

Everyone in the office knows that Courtney Miller, that beautiful ~~burping~~ bisexual blonde, has a crush on Ericka 'Boze' Bozeman.

Everyone, it seems, except Boze.

Everyone in the office knows that Ericka 'Boze' Bozeman, that little ~~livid~~ lovable lesbian, has a crush on Courtney Miller.

Everyone, it seems, except Courtney.

And for heaven's sake, Shayne and Wes were sick of hearing about it.

The two of them, with a bit of help from Olivia, had been conspiring for a week now, trying to figure out a way to get the two girls to confess to each other. 

Luckily for them, the girls were so oblivious that they were unaware of the schemes.

Unluckily for them, the girls were so oblivious that they were unaware of the schemes...

See the problem here?

"This is so irritating." Wes groans over the phone, running a hand down his face. "I always know whenever Courtney posts a new Instagram photo because Boze won't stop texting me for like 45 fucking minutes afterward about how hot she is."

"Courtney won't shut up about how funny Boze is whenever she tweets." Shayne agrees. "I hope they aren't both on Game Bang tomorrow with us because their puppy-dog eyes will drive me insane."

"Have you thought of anything else to try?" Wes asks.

The other man sighs as he gets to the bottom of his Netflix feed, then silently resolves to start over with slightly lower standards. "No. Getting them to write out their feelings was a disaster--"

"--I mean, if we hadn't made it anonymous, it might have worked--"

"--and getting them to just text each other didn't work--"

"--them telling each other that they love each other is not abnormal, Shayne, that's how girls work even when they're not gay."

"I don't know how girls work, Wes! That's why I'm dating a man!"

Wes chuckles. "I know, Shayne. I swear Damien understands women better than you do."

"And that's why he's bisexual."

Shayne can practically hear Wes rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. "That's not how it works, man."

Instead of responding, he just sighs again. "I swear, if Courtney spends all morning whining about how hot Boze is tomorrow, I will strangle her to death."

"Please don't. Matt Raub scares me."

"It won't be you he's mad at."

"I don't care who he's mad at, he still scares me. Don't make him mad."

~

"But she's just... so freaking hot, Shayne!" Courtney sighs for the millionth time that morning. "I wish I could just kiss her."

"Then kiss her." Shayne says in a monotone voice, not even looking up from his phone. Why the hell did he agree not to strangle her again?

"Shayne! I can't just kiss her! We're friends, that would be weird!"

"You've kissed Olivia."

"That was for Kiss Currency. That's different."

An imaginary lightbulb appeared above Shayne's brain and his head snapped up, his expression hopeful and wide-eyed. "I, uh... I gotta go, Courtney."

"What? Why?"

"I gotta... go talk to Wes about something." He shoots off a group message to Wes and Olivia. The group also included Matt Raub, who was just too nosy to not want to be involved even though he hasn't helped at all.

"Is it about the Game Bang today? Because I'm in it too." Courtney smirks. "You'll be stuck with me all day today."

Shayne gives a dramatic, mostly-sarcastic-but-honestly-still-accurate groan, making Courtney giggle. 

~

"Wes! I have an idea!" Shayne yells as he barges into the Smosh Games editing room, where Wes said he was and where Olivia said she'd meet them. "I know how to get Boze and--"

*Ahem* 

Wes clears his throat, making a totally-not-subtle-at-all head motion towards the person in the next chair, who happened to be...

"Oh. Hi Boze."

"What the hell were you just saying about me, Shayne?"

"N-Nothing!" Shayne squeaks.

"That wasn't nothing. Tell me!" She stands up, an amused yet murderous stare on her face, and Shayne cowers slightly. 

Clearly, she was not in a teasing mood.

"I.. uh... nothing, it was nothing, just a little... uh..." Shayne trails off. What the fuck was the word he was looking for?

"Listen, you little Tanner Risner wannabe--"

"--surprise!" Wes cuts in, and both Boze and Shayne snap their gazes towards him. "We're, uh, planning a surprise!"

"I hate surprises." Boze narrows her eyes at Wes.

"Don't be dumb. Everyone loves surprises." Shayne gives what he hopes is a convincing smile.

"You calling me dumb?"

"No!" Shayne squeaks again.

Before Boze could intimidate him any further, Olivia comes barging in, talking a million miles a minute. "Courtney won't shut up about Boze this morning so I need your idea right the hell now, Shayne, before I-- oh fuck." Her face pales as she makes eye contact with a confused Boze.

"Courtney is talking about me?" Boze clarifies softly.

"Nonstop." Olivia confesses, still looking horrified as she steps in and closes the door quietly behind her.

"Really?" Boze says in the same tone, clearly in disbelief. "Nonstop?"

"You and Courtney both talk nonstop about each other." Wes blurts, which earns him a punch to the arm from Olivia. "Ouch!"

"I... she talks about me?" 

"Literally all the time. Everything I hear is about how hot you are and about how funny you are and about how perfect you are. She's absolutely head-over-heels for you, Boze." Shayne sighs. "We've been trying to set you up for ages but you guys are both super oblivious."

"She thinks I'm hot?"

"Hotter than Chris Pratt."

"Bullshit!" Boze gasps. "She thinks I'm hotter than Chris Pratt?"

"She told me so herself this morning." Olivia rolls her eyes. "Honestly, I think she's blind because Chris Pratt is a god, but..."

Boze doesn't even listen to anything else that is said afterwards; her brain zones out, thinking about Courtney, and how stupid and oblivious she's been, and how easy it could have been to start dating her ages ago, and...

Boze turns around and tears out of the room, running down the hallway towards the Squad room.

Wes turns to the other two. "Are we the best wingmen ever, or what?"

~

"Courtney!" Boze yells, throwing open the door.

"Boze, hey!" Courtney stands up from her chair, facing the other girl with a flush crossing her cheeks. "What's u--"

The rest of her sentence is cut off by Boze's lips crashing onto hers and her hands flying to Courtney's hair. Courtney is flustered and surprised, but wastes no time in returning the kiss, her hands finding Boze's waist to hold her close.

They break apart after a few moments, both out of breath, and they look at each other in blush-filled silence before Boze smirks and breaks it. "I hear you think I'm hotter than Chris Pratt."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Be safe and healthy, and have a great day!


End file.
